My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
