Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
