OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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