Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
