My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
