If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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