The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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