my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just want nice things and good sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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