i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
