4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
