Girls should come with a carfax report
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
