drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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