He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
