i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it because I queefed?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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