mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
