I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
