A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
