Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
