I want you more than these girls want KFC
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
