Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
