we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
