just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
