she was so not down for the gang bang
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
