My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
