It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
