genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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