Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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