yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
