The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
