recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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