You're my little dorito
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
