HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
