i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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