i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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