I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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