3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
