I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
