he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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