Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
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Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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