I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
