Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
