Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
