Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
