and you said cock pushups were impossible
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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