the condom got lost in my hair
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
