remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
