First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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