so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
