You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
