i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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