I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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