he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
