Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
