I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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