Heybabeimwearingurpanties
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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