I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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