i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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