I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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